We all have blind spots when it comes to our behaviour toward others. We often hear about "red flags"—how to spot them and avoid them—but we rarely talk about how to recognise them in ourselves. It’s natural to view ourselves in a positive light, and it can be difficult to imagine that we, too, might exhibit behaviours that others find hurtful.
The fact that you’re reading this article is already a great sign. It shows that you’re seeking self-awareness and are willing to take responsibility for how others experience you. Looking inward is an act of courage and maturity, and the desire to change or improve is a strong indication of growth. If you’re questioning whether some of your behaviours might need to change, take comfort in knowing that this willingness to self-reflect already puts you on the right path.
Red Flag Behaviours to Evaluate
Self-evaluation requires vulnerability and is not an easy process. However, it is essential to be healthy, loving, and supportive partners. Reflect on how you’ve shown up in past relationships or consider asking close friends and family for their honest perspectives. Below are some behaviours to watch out for. While the behaviours outlined below are not an exhaustive list, they highlight common tendencies that can be perceived as red flags in relationships. By identifying these behaviours, you can start to understand how they might affect those around you.
Insecurity - Insecurity can hinder deep, meaningful connections. It can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling behaviours. At the very least, insecurity can make your partner feel like you don’t trust them, and at worst, it can result in damaging actions like constant monitoring or stalking. Left unchecked, insecurity can create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.
Habitual Dishonesty - Dishonesty—whether it’s outright lies, white lies, or lies of omission—is corrosive to relationships. If you find it difficult to be truthful, even about small things, it can severely damage the relationship. Trust is the foundation of any meaningful connection, and once it's broken, it becomes very difficult to rebuild. Without trust, intimacy and open communication will crumble.
Emotional Unavailability - Emotional unavailability occurs when you’re not open to connecting with your partner on a deeper level, often disregarding or minimizing their feelings. This can make your partner feel isolated and lonely. Healthy relationships require emotional presence and vulnerability; without it, true intimacy cannot flourish.
Dependency on Substances or Alcohol - Struggling with substance or alcohol dependency can be a major red flag. Addiction often makes it difficult for someone to express or recognise emotions, which creates barriers to deep connection. The unpredictability of behaviour while under the influence can also be harmful, and your partner’s mental health may suffer due to the stress, anxiety, or co-dependency that can arise in such situations.
Insensitive and Unkind Behaviour - How you treat others—whether it's strangers, service workers, or your partner—reveals a lot about your capacity for kindness and empathy. If you lack kindness or treat others poorly, it signals to your partner that you may not be a safe or supportive person for them. For love and connection to thrive, both partners need to feel valued and secure, knowing they’ll be met with understanding and compassion.
Misandry or Misogyny - Misandry (prejudice against men) and misogyny (prejudice against women) are serious red flags that reflect deep-seated biases toward the opposite sex. Whether these biases stem from past experiences or societal conditioning, they can lead to unwarranted hostility, resentment, and disrespect. Such attitudes are harmful in any relationship, often manifesting as verbal abuse or emotional neglect.
Getting help
Red flags aren’t always immediately obvious, but there are professionals who have the experience to spot behaviours that could potentially hurt your partner down the line. A professional counsellor or coach can offer unique guidance on this journey to help you become more self-aware, and recognise your strengths and areas that may need work. They provide valuable feedback, emotional support, and guidance to help you constructively address these behaviours. This is important and necessary to avoid repeating harmful behaviours in future relationships.
Seeking More Help and Support
The truth is, we are all works in progress. None of us are perfect, but the desire to learn, unlearn, and grow is what matters most. Recognising red flags in your behaviour shows that you genuinely care about how others experience you, which is a huge step forward.
As you work toward becoming the best version of yourself, it can be helpful to enlist the support of people who know and care about you. Friends and family can offer gentle accountability as you navigate this journey. If you find that some behaviours are deeply ingrained or challenging to address on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist. A professional can help you explore the root causes, symptoms, and expressions of these red flags, and guide you toward meaningful change.
By taking the time to reflect on your behaviours, you’re showing a commitment to personal growth and healthier relationships. Be proud of that!
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